Day One in my Brain

It's been a long ass time since I have posted anything on this blog of substance. Yes, I am being kind just throwing that word 'substance' in there, just pretend like I don't know what it really means and keep on reading. I have been this big ball of emo lately, wtf is wrong with me? I have been got in tha' feels. Just go with me here, okay?

The Jaybo gots to write and get this shit out. I am the king of fail. I was gonna write 'Big Fail' but I believe it is 'Epic Fail' but see wouldn't that have been genius if I had written Big Fail when I meant Epic Fail? Genius. Oh the Irony. Is it healthy to tell yourself to shut up while looking in the mirror at yourself? I feel too much.
I have been writing a novel, yep. A freaking novel. What a novel idea! Shut up. Sorry, I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a glass of Shasta(tm).

There was once upon an hour that I wanted to be an artist, a comic book artist, I wanted to be a guy who held a pencil and drew pictures. People would look at those pictures and at the very least not throw it in the garbage. (What kind of jerk would do that?) But I stopped drawing, maybe I will tell you why sometime. I'm not sure that I even know. What I am trying to get to is that I have always enjoyed writing to an extent but I ain't much for fancy words and punctuation marks and stuff. I have been that guy that reads books and will go and see how a certain author structured a sentence, I am not plagiarizing words I am copying commas. Ha! What a jack ass! What? Sorry I saw my reflection again in my fancy smart phone. But anyway, I am going to be writing in this blog from now on. Every single goddamn day, from now on. Hell yes I am. The reason I am going to do that is that I need a rhythm going. A flowing of words. Maybe I will get better from day to day writing my thoughts. That's what I mainly want to achieve, I want you to read my thoughts. I need for someone to see what's going on up in here.

Why? I have no idea. It just seems like it would be a good form of therapy. What do you want me to do, bother the people that love me and see me everyday? Wow, do you know how old that would get? "Hey you guys, I am all feeling emotions and stuff, can I talk about it?" Do you know what I would hear after the first week? A collective "SIGH." Haha, I may be full of shit, but I need a reason to write, don't I? Oh, you don't? Well shit, what was the point of all of this? Oh, there was no point, there doesn't need to be a point, I just need to barf it all up on the page. I need some ventilation. BLAM! No, don't worry I didn't shoot myself, I only typed the word BLAM! in all caps for an effect. Pretty good huh?

If you stick around, I will tell you about stuff from my life. Only if you stick around, if you up and leave then I will sit on a curb in the rain with an old cassette walkman and listen to some old A-Ha or Depeche Mode tapes and cry. You won't know I'm crying because I'm sitting in the rain. See?

I will tell you about the first time I fell in love, I will tell you about the first time I became self aware (last year sometime), I will tell you things you don't want to know that I need to get out of me. I will tell you about the times that I hate myself for giving phony smiles and phony laughs. That goddamn insecurity and debilitating shyness that has kept me from being who I have wanted to be for so long. What did I want to be? The fucking man, that's who. A mack daddy pimp. Seriously, I got nuthin'.

I will give you one thing in this first post back. The birth of The Jastrom. Jason Walstrom morphed together is Jas trom = Jastrom. Pretty wicked awesome huh? Yeah I thought so, you are impressed. You are mouthing the word 'Wow' right now. I have got you hooked, yep, you are coming back for sure.

Even though I quite enjoy writing, I think that there is the self conciousness that comes with it, and it's not about what I am writing, it's punctuation. Can I be like Cormac McCarthy and not give a shit? Oh, I can? Oh wait, I think I need to be established first. Maybe one day someone will say, wow that dude sure can tell a story but his punctuation is for shit. Boo, get him out of here. Until then, I will keep trying. I guess.

This is how I feel. Have you ever been listening to a song, and the song just speaks to you, I mean you can choose any mood you have on any day of the week and make this song fit with what you are experiencing? For instance, you feel like shit and this song cheers you up. the next day you are happy and you crank that song and you are high on joy and singing it in your car at the top of your lungs. The song becomes your friend, it knows you, it helps you breathe, that song is now a part of you. Do you know what sucks? You can't share that with anybody, not in the same way. You can play the song for them and they might appreciate it or dismiss it but the things you feel while that song plays are for you and only you and you are a planet to yourself. It's sad in a way. It's also pleasant in a way. It just is what it is. That is fucking life. A song you want everyone else to dance to but they can't fucking hear it. You are wearing your earbuds or headphones(does anyone wear headphones anymore? Oh yeah BEATS(tm) by Dr. Dre' -- is that guy really a doctor? -- but I digress) and you are tapping your feet but no one knows what you are listening to.

We can share, we can try to tell someone, sometimes they take it and make it there own, which is awesome. I think I am getting in the way of my symbolism here but you get the idea. Oh you don't? I can't help you man, like I told you I have to practice expressing my thoughts and this is day 1. Check back with me in a year, okay? Thanks.

This is day one in my brain, I hope that you enjoyed it. I hope it wasn't all too unpleasant. ;)

For you: One of those songs, I was talking about. a Song