Monday, February 17, 2014

The Space Adventures of Zack Strontium and his Motley Crew: Clouds of Terror! Part One.

"Hit the thermals, I need to get a better reading." Captain Zack Strontium said with a particular command. His granite jaw did all of the talking though. When this man spoke he commanded the room as well as his people. He was built like a Byzantine Cathedral made out of Adamantium*. A periscope lowered in front of him and he pushed his face into the scope. He slowly turned left to right. "Mmm Hmm, Mmm Hmm, I see them. Dumb bastards think they can hide in an interstellar cloud."

Ensign Peabody spoke up, "We'll flush em' out sir!" Peabody was a young recruit, female and cute as a button. She was ferocious behind the wheel though and when the Captain said so, she was eager and out for blood.

"Aye, we will. Back off though, we want them to think we have no idea where they are." The Captain pushed up on the periscope and it rose and snapped into place.

"Aye Captain, continuing the illusion, sir." Peabody gripped the controls like a true pro. She flicked some switches on the console in front of her and the ship slowed with a dying hum.

"I would say, Steady as she goes, but that would be a real cliche' so I'll just say, Steady as she goes." Captain Strontium sat in his enormous captain's chair.

"Very good, Captain."

The Stormer was a class B warship, constructed during the great Nebulon war, now centuries later, it was an ancient relic that was still very capable of causing destruction to its enemies. The Stormer was equipped with a battery of 20 Deck Guns, 14 Ion Cannons and 32 Missile Launchers. She was fast too, a bird of prey that could strike without warning, releasing a rain of fire upon the enemy. She was also equipped with a Streamlined Halcyon Drive capable of Speed of Light travel. But looks could be deceiving. Captain Strontium was hoping that once the Enemy spotted The Stormer that they would be too fear-stricken to notice that the great ship was considerably Ill-equipped for battle. After all, she had recently been stolen.

"Drak'Tar, what do we have in the way of weapons on board?" The Captain queried. A sing songy chime could be heard.

"We have retro-fitted 4 rows of deck guns with Plaz-Spammers, sir." Drak'tar responded.

The Captain coughed to clear his throat. "Um, yes that's great news Drak'tar. Now, can someone tell me what in the great Grantham Moon of Pilznor is a God forsaken Plaz Spammer?"

The resident Information Droid, Four-One-One came to life. The Bronze droid was taught to stay in the very back of the bridge because the Captain was very Droid-phobic especially of droids that looked humanoid in nature, meaning, they scared the shit out of him. Something about the 'Uncanny Valley' he would say in his defense.

"Sir, I do believe--"

"Sweet Jesus, Christ! I forgot you were back there. Whenever I hear that Faux-British accent of yours It nearly makes me piss my flight pants."

"I am quite sorry sir. As to your query, I believe that a Plaz Spammer is a rapid fire mechanism that fires explosive cannisters of molten hot plastic." Four-One-One took a step back into place, He didn't want to startle the Captain again for fear of the same fate that befell his Droid companion Nine-One-One. Nine-One-One was an emergency droid, it's job was to alert the entire crew whenever there simply was an emergency. Many times the Captain wondered what the point was, wouldn't an alarm suffice? Finally the last straw came when Nine-One-One interrupted the Captain's bathroom time to tell him that the commissary was out of napkins . The Captain ejected the droid into deep space while shouting, "Burn in 'Uncanny' Hell you un-godless piece of space shit!" Quite simply, Four-One-One knew his place and he wasn't about to get on the Captain's bad side.

"Plastic cannisters? Why would anyone invent such a stupid thing?" The Captain rubbed his chin.

"Is that a rhetorical question, sir?" Four-One-One asked, but the Captain didn't answer.

"Drak'Tar, do we have any missiles, torpedoes?" A chime sounded again.

"Sir, we have 14 Heck-Fire Stingers loaded in the tubes." Drak'tar shouted. "Ready to fire, on your say so, sir!"

"Copy, and you don't have to shout, there's nothing wrong with the com system."

"COPY THAT, SIR!" The com shrieked.

"Smart ass. Okay, listen up people! We have three, count em' three attack class vessels hiding in some clouds like the pansie's they are. They think they are going to sneak attack us, Ha! Boy, would I like to see them try."

"Sir, the vessels are approaching, they are on our starboard bow, preparing to fire!" Officer Mike 'Snafu' Dumpchuck shouted from his console to the right of Captain Strontium.

"Holy Shit, really?" The Captain glanced at the view-screen in front of him. Sure enough, three shark-like vessels came out of the Stellar Clouds like eager hunters that had just discovered a sunken cruise ship full of obese vacationers. "Evasive maneuvers!"

Ensign Peabody slammed the sticks to the right, the great bird, The Stormer dove. Everyone on the bridge gripped their consoles for dear life.

"I don't get it, I had a whole plan. It was going to be really sneaky, they would've pissed their pants. Why didn't it work?" The Captain squinted, wracking his brain.

"Again, sir, is that a rhetorical question?" Four-One-One asked.

Captain Zack turned his head ever so slightly. "Someone eject that bucket of useless metal into the nearest--"

"Sir, they are firing!" Officer Snafu shouted. An alarm sounded.

Captain Zack scoffed. "I hate that blasted alarm, it gives me a headache." The captain leaned forward to glance at his console, he saw several blips on the screen heading toward The Stormer. "Return fire, shoot those Spaz Plammers at them, now!"

Four-One-One stepped forward, "Sir, I think you mean--"

Now Captain Zack un-holstered his weapon, the Hawg Neutron Nastifier 6000, illegal in 12 systems, it was equipped with a molecular de-stabilizer in it's Xenon crusted hollow point shells. Each shell was coated in an amber that had to be hand scraped with a tiny rock hammer from a rare tree that could only be found on the highest mountain on the furthest moon in the furthest system in the furthest galaxy. Each Bullet cost the Captain roughly the equivalent of one S.T.A.R.** Officer's Majesty's Royal Space Navy's annual salary. The Weapon was also the size of a Voltarion*** Tree Trunk. The Captain took aim at the Four-One-One droid and fired three shots. VAM VAM VAM!

The Info bot never moved, around his chassis were three smoking holes, all in the ships walls behind him. "Oh, dear."

"You're lucky that I can't shoot for shit, Droid!" The Captain holstered his smoking gun.

"Twenty seconds until projectiles reach us, sir!" Snafu shouted. "Plaz Spammers are warming up."

"Warming up? I told you to fire those minutes ago!" The Captain jumped out of his chair, "What the hell is taking so long?"

Four-One-One nearly spoke up, then thought the better of it, and stepped back.

"Sir, the plastic comes in big blocks, the plastic then has to be unpacked and then loaded into the cannons. Then there is a heating element added. After that, sir. It begins to melt."

The Captain stared at Officer Snafu, dumbfounded. "Yes, go on."

"It's a process sir. It takes about," The Officer cleared his throat. "Twenty minutes, sir."

"TWENTY MINUTES?" The Captain and Ensign Peabody and Chup'tal, who had until now, remained relatively silent, being the Captain's personal chef, really didn't need to be on the bridge, but happened to be there at this moment because He/She**** was there to take the crew's lunch order shouted in unison.

Officer Snafu's head sank into his shoulders. A chime could be heard, it was Drak'tar. "twenty minutes?"

A loud crash and then another and another. The Stormer was taking a barrage of enemy torpedoes. The Captain, still standing, gripped his console. "Peabody, shake em'!"

"Aye aye, Captain!" Peabody slammed the sticks left and then right.

Four-One-One activated his foot magnets, staying in place but his upper torso rocked from side to side. "Oh dear, oh dear! This is a nightmare!"

Officer Snafu yelled at the droid. "I thought that Droid's didn't dream."

"We don't, but we certainly have nightmares."

"Pipe down you two. Peabody, can we lose them?" The Captain noticed a lapse in explosions and seized the moment to strap himself into his chair.

"Captain, the Plastic has about 14 minutes left to--"

"Can it, Snaff! Peabody, can we lose them?"

"Aye sir, but not without a distraction." Peabody said while never taking her eyes off the screen. She snap-rolled the ship to the left and then to the right.

"Drak'tar, get those missiles ready, screw the Spaz--"

"Plaz Spammers, sir." Four-One-One risked his droid life to say.

"Yes, those, screw em'. I want missiles!" The Captain could do nothing but sit and wait for confirmation. He saw from the view-screen that the three sharks were closing in fast. "Drak'tar, that Halcyon better be warmed up!"

"Aye Captain, it's just that--" The com died. An explosion erupted from somewhere in the bowels of the ship. "--Captain, there's melted plastic all over the engine room!"

"Damn you, Spaz--"

"Plaz Spa--" VAM VAM VAM! Four-One-One was nearly hit that time. "Phew."

"What does that mean? Can we make the jump to a speed that is fast as light or anywhere close to that amount of speed?" The Captain fumed holstering his weapon.

"Unknown Captain, everything is coated in plastic down here, It's like everything has been baby-proofed."

"By the Spires of Backkamonon's Ghost!" The Captain slammed his fist onto his console. The Captain unstrapped and hit a button on the console, the vid-screen grew twice its size. "Snaff, hail those assholes!"

"Hailing them, sir." Snafu twisted a dial on his computer while holding one ear. "Sir, it's some kind of alien language, I suspect they are aliens." Snafu continued to adjust his single nob, listening very closely to the noise that squawked into his ear, he then noticed that no one on the bridge had said a word in quite some time. He turned to face the rest of the crew and they all stared at him with mouth's collectively agape.

"What an incredible deduction you have made, Snaff. Everyone, could we please give our Officer a hand?" Everyone began to clap, even Peabody who hadn't ever taken a moment to look away from the ships controls released the sticks and gave a sarcastic clap, the ship swayed to the right for a moment and she quickly grabbed the sticks.

A chirp on the com sounded and all that could be heard on Drak'tar's end was a, "Clap, clap, clap."

Ensign Peabody rose from her seat and popped her neck. She made her way over to Snafu's station and calmly pressed his console's translator button. She cleared her throat and turned to take her seat.

"Oh." Snafu said. He began twisting his consoles nob again. "Oh, I can understand them now, sir."

He was smart enough to know not to look at the Captain squarely, so he tried to get an idea of the Captain's reaction from the corner of his eye.

The Captain stared at him blankly. A heat came from him, his face was a hue of red that Snafu never realized could come from a human, only a voltarian she-veastasharian lava whale had even come close to such a hue.

"I'll just," He kept twisting his nob. "Put it up on the screen, hehe."

A deep guttural sound squawked out of the Bridge's sound system. "HO, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO."

"Santa?" The Captain said under his breath.

"Did you really think you could out run a Tanarktarian Finned-Shark Vessel? Captain Strontium, you are very foolish."

"There's something very familiar about that voice."

"Ho, Ho, Ho, it is I, dear Capitan. Silar Sinclair, scourge of the Outer Rings and a damn good Pirate, I might add."

"Damn, you Sinclair, I should have sniffed out your Tanarktarian Stench in this mess."

"That would be impossible sir, there are no smells in deep space." Four-One-One said and then took a step back.


"Someone reload my pistol." The Captain handed off his Gun to Chup'tal. A loud clank could be heard as it crushed Chup'tal under it's enormous weight.

"I can assure you Captain, that I am willing to be quite reasonable." Silar Sinclair looked liked a Calivuvian Purple Space Rasin that had been in the twin suns for far too long. The Wrinkles on his face looked like a place where Slarp Rats from the Parlivvian Spice Mines would dwell. "Give us the Rods and I will let you live."

Ensign Peabody's head snapped to attention, she then turned to look at the Captain. She whispered, "How the hell does this space slug know about the rods?"

The Captain merely shrugged his shoulders. The Rods were payment for the crews delivery of a very powerful power converter. They had acquired the rods from an aquatic race called the Phishedrixx. The Phishedrixx used beautiful blonde electric mermaids to power their cities. It sounds bad but the mermaids are quite happy with their jobs. When a Phishedrixxian Mermaid charges said Rods they stay charged for years. It is safe clean power that is very valuable to the rest of the galaxy.


No comments: