Wednesday, February 12, 2014

The Leap

Come. See me. On a Cliff. We can jump. Together.

That is what I told you. Long ago.

That's all I wanted. That's all that I ever wanted. Some one else to be there. Let's take that leap together. How great would it be, to feel that wind against our faces? How freeing it would be. The sweat on my brow, I lick my lips, I can taste the salt. I am not thinking about me though. I am thinking of you. Are you here because you want to be or are you here to prevent me from doing what we both know what must be done? We must take that leap together, otherwise all you will see below is something you will no longer recognize. You look like you are here because you want to be, I have to believe that is true, because if not, it's all for naught.

Why am I shaking? My hands are trembling. It is so cold, would you please embrace me and keep me warm. Put your hands around me and pull me tight, close your eyes if you have to but I would prefer we stare each other in the eyes. Look at me. Do you not see the honesty on my face? I am here for you right now, I have been standing here all along, waiting for you. Thank you for coming.

My heart is beating so fast, I can feel my chest's rhythm. Thump Thump Thump. It goes and rocks us back and forth. I place my palm in the center of your chest and I can feel yours is beating too. It's beating so fast. Is that for me? Does your heart beat for me? Because mine has been beating for you, all of this time. I have been waiting. All this time.

There's no fear anymore, it went away when I saw that you had arrived. Thank goodness you are here, I almost lost my nerve, I only tell you that because I try to be honest. It would be a lie to say I stood here all this time and didn't dream of another life, of going somewhere else. You made me wait a long time but I knew where I had to be, I had to be patient. I was and here we are.

I saw you smiling once. But it wasn't for me. I was so jealous of whoever that smile was for. It made me into something I didn't want to be. I always thought I was a good one. But why was something so beautiful making me so ugly? I wanted all the smiles to be for me. I knew that they couldn't so I told you to go away. I told you that you would be better off not knowing a creature like me. A foul creature. Lurking under rocks and caves, hiding in shadows and living in the damp places where the bugs crawl. It was so pretty once, it was like blooming flowers and white fluffy clouds but it somehow turned into out of tune pianos and the sounds of people falling down stairs. That music that I could hear, only I could hear it playing and you were becoming a distant memory. I could barely hear your whisper anymore. I welcomed the music because I didn't want to be reminded that you didn't want to jump. Not with me, with someone else. You smiled at someone else. I could read the body and I could tell it didn't want me anymore. There was no point in letting you keep coming around. There was no point in delaying what you had been delaying because you didn't want to hurt me. I knew what you were doing and part of me pathetically wanted to keep playing that game. At least I could go on seeing you. But there was too much pain involved. Oh my God, to smell you, to feel you leaning against me. To have your hair in my face. My heart wasn't ready to hurt this much. It never would be. It was something to hold on to, once it beats like that, you don't want it to go back to the way it was. You don't want to go back to sleep. That's what I was, asleep.

I embraced the darkness when you left, what was the point of doing otherwise? You were gone and it was time to make my heart stop feeling. It was feeling too much. It had been locked up tight before you came, it was wrapped in chains and padlocked and there was no key. At least I thought. You picked the lock or you had the key, a skeleton key? Stop that. A skeleton key. Stop it. You can do this to whoever you want, can't you? No, don't think like that. You were just having fun, you were playing a game. I'm telling you, don't go down this path. I am already there. I am not worth your time. Yes you are. No I am not. Silly, why don't you remember the good things? Were there good things?

There were many good things. The conversations, the company and the music.

The music.

Yes, now you remember. It didn't just play for you, it played for both of us. I do remember. Yes. See, I was there for you, I was with you because I wanted to be. Oh man, it was great, wasn't it? It was. Things like that can't last though, can they? No, they are like the perfect sunset, they are like forces of nature. They come and they change everything, they destroy and then things go back to normal but they are never exactly the way they were before. It was a tempest. I was the only one who was destroyed. That is not true. I was carried away by that tempest. That's why it was so hard, I knew I would be carried away and you knew it too. I wasn't going to be around for very long, I was there long enough to change you and I. You were changed too? Yes, I was forever changed knowing you. So was I. I remember your laugh. I remember yours. Thank you for explaining things to me. You're welcome. I'm tearing up now. Why? You are smiling at me. It's all for me. Yes, it is, all for you. Thank you. Don't mention it.

I can feel the sun warming our bodies, My back feels so warm. Your face is glowing. Thank you. There is no need to thank me.

Are you ready? Ready for what? You know, to take that leap. I took that leap a long time ago, silly.

My heart is beating so fast. It beats for you and I am no longer afraid of what lies over the edge. I think that means that it is time to go. No.

What do you mean, no? I think I need to do this alone. You think? Yes. N'est-ce pas? Sometimes. I close my eyes and I jump and I feel the air in my hair and the sweat and tears on my cheeks and wait for what comes next.

I realize that you never let go, we jumped together. Thank you. Can you hear that? The birds are singing our song.

a song.

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