If I use the word Pretentious am I pretentious?

If I wear a beret' and smoke cloves am I pretentious? If all I do is talk about my art and how my life experiences are what guide my hands like astral tendrils from the beyond to the canvas, am I pretentious?

If I decide that all tv is bad except for pbs but also find the time to flip to the fox reality channel but don't let anyone know, am I pretentious? No that's just sad thank god for IFC. D'oh you are pretentious!

If I were to grow a soul patch and use phrases like 'Wax poetic' am I pretentious. Not necessarily but I should be put to death.

If I think I am smarter than everyone on political panels on CNN and Fox news and utter 'pfft' alot cynically during the broadcast am I pretentious? No you are smarter.

I feel sorry for the geeks who keep blogs with no comments. D'oh that's you! you sad sad man. sniff.

What if I decide to get a tat and get inked up and be different like everyone else I could get some kind of aztec type shit with chinese symbols that don't mean anything and I could wear 'westside chopper' t-shirst! that's not pretentious just poserish.

What am I back in highschool? I could start taking pictures with my digital camera and title the pic stuff like 'Sequoia alpha sunset' and hang it in an art gallery and sip on a spritzer while waxing poetic about my life and what it means to be and artist. Now you are getting it.

I could direct a short film about homelessness and date rape and kids blowing themselves away by finding unlocked guns in their parents closets. Dude, your'e not a first year film student.

I need to hang at the local coffee houses and maybe bring and acoustical guitar and sing about how my girlfriend dumped me when i was young only she wasn't your girlfriend she was just using you to make her current boyfriend jealous while she made out with you for a week and made you feel special. D'oh thanks for bringing that up, sniff. At least you don't know any Erasure songs. That's true.

I remember hanging out with old friends one time. They showed up at my door saying they met in college and talked about old friends back home, Once they realized they were from the same town the shared mutual names and mine came up. They both had known me and hung out with me. They decided to show up at my door and see what I was up to. I can't remember how they knew where I lived I think they called my job since I had always worked at the same place since the beginning of mankind which would be about 5000 years ago according to those creationists hehe but I digress. Which makes me pretentious by digressing by the way but anywho, yikes anywho is even worse how about my old default, Anway they showed up at my door and it was weird since both people were from different chapters in my life and I had to just stand there and focus for a minute. It was Shakespeare and Wind those two with nicknames I will not explain except that one has nothing to do with literature and the other has nothing to do with flatulence.

We went to pizza hut.

They did that thing that rude people do. They talked about people in their circle that I didn't know and funny anecdotes while I ate all the pizza not looking up. Why did they even show up? Are they paying for this pizza? God I hope so. Wind who is a girl talked about psycho boyfriends. Wow that's original an attractive girl talking to two losers about her mean boyfriends cause she feels safe. Yeah that's right Shakespeare was a safe dude friend for her to chill with that she could tell everything meanwhile most certainley he would snap one off as soon as he got back to his dorm after hanging out with her all night in her too short midriff. But I am just making that part up but i'm sure it's true.

Anyway, they finally asked me what I was up to and I had nuthin' I had scene lotsa movies and stuff but that's it so let's skip ahead. We went to a bar near TCU and people were hangin' like a coffee bar atmosphere only consuming alcohol. There was a guy playing acoustic guitar in the corner and he was pretty good for a pretentious fuck with a soul patch. We met Shakespeare's alky friend named Fred I think everyone loved fred there even Wind. Only in a safe way of course cause she was getting over her abusive boyfriend.

I smoked lotsa cigarettes! I have always smoked Marlboro Reds even when I first started smoking there was just something macho about rushing quicker to lung cancer than those damn Marlboro lights. Have you ever noticed that hard drinkers smoke Camels? I sucked down a few pretentious japanese beers and got a good buzz. Shakespeare requested that one Erasure 'I love to hate you tune' to which the guy knew which had me questioning things about Shakespeare. I believe he was in that confused state that happens when you hang out with a beautiful girl that only thinks of you as a friend and you are secretly madly in love with her and it will destroy your friendship if you do anything about it stage. You know the one right? Me neither what a fuckin' loser.

Everytime Wind would get up to go flirt with other dudes he would pour his heart out to me about his love of Wind and drink more and more and Fred just sat there quietly until he decided to pipe in this nugget of wisdom. "When I am depressed, I drink It makes me feel better." I nodded knowing that getting drunk would be the best thing for Shakespeare. He mouthed the words to the Erasure song. Man what a gay I thought gay not as in Gay but as in Huge fucking dork. I haven't seen this guy in like 2 years and hadn't seen Wind in even longer and this guy is pining for her and they decide to come and visit me? Yeah I guess. Okay just checking.

I get up and go the the bar for a new beer and Wind is sitting there smoking one of Shakespeare's Cloves. She smiles at me and winks and I realized that poor sucker Shakespeare doesn't have a chance she just winked at me and made me feel all tingly she's just one of those people that makes everyone feel like they are in love and feel like shit at the same time. I started to feel bad for him poor fuck. She said that Shakespeare was driving her crazy and I asked why. She said, "He's too clingy, He's always hanging on me." I nodded in agreement seeing how i'd witnessed this all night but failed to mention it cause i'm a bad writer.

Fred talks the bartender into giving him a glass full of the part of the beer dispenser whatever it's called remains that fall into the catch pan at the bottom. It' filled with all the different kinds of beer that have dripped there from all night. Gross. He chugs it. I tell Wind that he will be dead within the year. She agrees. Shakespeare's ears are burning and he comes up and puts his arms around Wind. "What are you two talking about?" She shrugs off of him while fake smiling. "You of course." "I knew it." Gross indeed.

A year later I saw Shakespeare at a mutual friends party and he was very drunk and had completely shaved his head and also sported a pointy goatee. He looked like the leader of the satanist church. I asked him how Wind was and he said they weren't friends anymore that he told her how much he was in love with her and that they should start going out and she stopped answering his phone calls. I told him that I was sorry and he said 'Don't be' and a chick bumped into him and the pen from his pocket hit the kitchen floor and broke. He picked it up and stared at the pen and turned red. He yelled at the girl that this pen was worth $300 dollars and his parents got it for him for his graduation gift from highschool. She must pay him $300 dollars now. It was a big messy scene with the boyfriend ready to kick his ass and finally the host of the party writing him a check just to shut him up. Wow this dude had lost it. Luckily I have not heard from him since. Pretentious bastard.

Am I pretentious if I blog about whether I am pretentious or not? Good god yes you pretentious fuck!